And Now

I became 70 years old recently.

That seems like quite a few years, seventy, and it truly is quite a few years. I recall a surprise birthday party that we created for my mother’s 70th birthday. The party was a hit. My mom was both surprised and elated; she’d not requested a birthday hullabaloo and we pulled off a good one complete with lobsters and old friends as well as new ones. She beamed and so did we. We thought it was potentially the last big birthday of hers we would celebrate. We were right. I’m so glad we did it.

And it provides a remembered marker for what 70 looked like to me 25 years ago. It looked old. It looked close to done.

I don’t know how long I’ll live. I do know this life has been a hoot - a smorgasbord of love and loss, pain and pleasure, mistakes and successes, deaths and births. So much like everyone else’s and unique in ways as well. I have yet to know of someone else’s life that I would rather live and I’ve used this as a good indicator of how I feel about mine. It’s not that I don’t have regrets, we all do.

But what my life has included is what stands out to me more than what I wish I had done differently. I’ve been a decent person most of the time, especially since I got sober around 35 years ago. I raised a daughter who I could not be more proud of. I created all sorts of businesses when I was younger - painting, home renovation, restaurant, chicken ranch, etc. - and then went to school and began a therapy practice, focusing on substance abuse.

I was married and then unmarried; I did that twice with two fine men until I recognized that the big feelings I had towards women were more than friendship. My relationship life has been central to my life and has been one of the most influential factors in whatever growth I’ve achieved. Love will do that to you.

In my late 50’s and early 60’s, two things happened that have set me in a different direction. I went to graduate school to explore my lifelong interest in creative writing. This time in my life was filled with energy and light and excitement. I met other creatives and came to recognize them as my tribe. Connection with this tribe has led my interests and efforts ever since.

And I had a significant motorcycle accident the aftermath of which continues to assert itself today. I’ve had to learn about vulnerability, a condition that I had not contended with as an adult. To say it has been eye opening is meek in comparison to what it has been like to live in my body and mind since then. I continue to learn about self care and about asking for help. I suspect this learning will continue.

Which brings me to now. To 70. To recognition that I’m not done yet. What’s next, I don’t know. It feels like a blank page, a white canvas with all sorts of supplies available to fill it in with.

I’m here. I’m willing.